PS I Love You
by guitarbabe2005
Summary: Post Chosen... Buffy is devastated by Spikes sacrifice and the Scooby gang doesn’t know what do to, Suddenly when it all seems to much Buffy receives letters from Spike is this some sick joke or more? Sorry Suck at summaries it is better than it sounds x
1. He's Gone

Wellll here is my newest story I hope you all like it its very loosely based on the movie P.S I Love You but with a DEFF Spuffy setting this story also has a slight twist on the end of the Chosen episode...

Disclaimer: I own nothing

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As Buffy stood at the edge of the crater, her senses were trained only on the rubble below eyes searching for some sign that the bleached vampire had somehow survived. Choking back a sob, she thought back to her last moments with him

_**FLASHBACK**_

_As she laced her fingers through Spike's and stared deeply into his eyes, neither flinched as their intertwined fingers burst into flame together._

"_I love you." She said Spike looked at her sadly and simply said_

"_No, you don't. But thanks for saying it." _

_As he let go of her hand as another earthquake shook the cavern. _

"_Now go!" yelled Spike and as he watch Buffy run up the stairs her eyes never leaving him her heart breaking with every step her heart screaming out to him just as he left her line of view she heard him chuck before his rich accented voice say_

"_I wanna see how it ends."_

_**END FLASHBACK**_

Still staring into the crater she felt a hand rest lightly on her shoulder, ignoring the tear that fell down her cheek she turned and came face to face with Dawn

"Buff..." she started before Buffy fell to her knees her loud sobs echoing in the now vast emptiness

"he's gone" she whispered "he's gone, he's gone" Dawn knelt and pulled Buffy's body towards her own wrapping her arms around her sister, her own tears now flowed freely as well

"I know" she said softly rocking Buffy's body with her own attempting to sooth her sister. Dawn looked over to the remaining Scooby's, potentials and Faith who was close to the bus where the injured Robin was now spread out on the back seat. Giles cleared his throat all eyes with the exception of Buffy though her sobs had quietened down trained their eyes on the ex – watcher

"Spike..." he started not sure how to continue "Spike sacrificed himself so that others may live," everyone hung their heads for a moment though not all were remembering the blonde vampire, though he did grace their memories for a second, but they remembered their fallen comrades in arms, the potentials... NO the SLAYERS who died in battle for that's what they all were every girl who had the potential to be a chosen one now WAS a chosen one.

Hundreds of thousands of lives were now changed,

"We better move" Willow's quiet voice said, "some of the girls need help"

"Robin too" came Faith's husky voice without saying a word Xander and Dawn helped Buffy get onto the bus, she hadn't said a word since her little outburst, as Giles put the Bus into gear and headed towards LA the twin silent rivers ran freely down Buffy's face as she stared at the place that her home once stood and where the man she loved had sacrificed himself.

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A/N: Phew, so what do you guys think please review and let me know luv Star

xx


	2. In LA

Thanks to everyone who took the time to review this story so far here is chapter 2 I hope you all enjoy it... this story is angsty I know but I do hope you like it...

Disclaimer: I own nothing

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As Giles guided the yellow school bus along the highway Buffy stared blankly at the outside world, her knees tucked up under her chin. Moving her body slightly Buffy felt a tiny shot of pain rush up her left arm, pulling her eyes away from the scenery she wasn't looking at a tiny gasp escaped her lips, how she hadn't noticed before she didn't know but there on her left palm was a burn, which she knew would EXACTLY fit the shape of Spikes hand. Lightly tracing the outline of the mark with her finger, she could feel the tears rise up in her eyes again.

Of all the men she loved and lost none had hurt her more than losing Spike, she had loved him so long and repressed the true feelings she had for the bleached vampire for what felt like a life time. Out of both fear and self-preservation, but seeing Spike in the middle on the beam of light, she knew this was the last time she would have the chance to tell him.

"_I love you."_

His replying words stung slightly

"_No, you don't. But thanks for saying it." _

However, she had seen the true meaning behind his words, Spike knew like he always did if he had said the words back to her she would never have left the cavern. He wanted her to live, his sapphire blue eyes pleading with her to go, to save herself and that he loved her. Pulling her palm to her face she pressed a light kiss on the burn and murmured the words

"I love you" against the shiny red skin. Glancing out the window, she saw a sign that made her muscles tense

**LA 100 miles**

She could imagine Spike's reaction the words Bloody and Poof would be thrown around a bit. Feeling the overwhelming pull of sleep Buffy closed her eyes for the first time and let sleep take over her physically and emotionally drained body.

~*~

Buffy was jerked out of sleep by a gentle hand shaking her shoulder,

"Buffy, we're here" Willow's soft voice said opening one eye slightly Buffy cringed here meant Angel and Angel meant questions she did not want to answer. Stretching her stiff limbs, Buffy silently followed Willow down the narrow walkway of the now empty bus, walking towards the large and foreboding doors of the hotel Buffy subconsciously stroked the red skin on her palm, taking strength from the memories of Spike, as Willow held open the door for her. As Buffy walked thru the doors, she saw the injured Potentials, no Slayers she had to remind herself being tended to. Buffy felt Angel before she actually saw him, glancing in the direction of her Slayer tingles she saw her ex his face was drawn into a deep frown as he wrapped a particularly nasty wound on Robin's body.

"Buffy" said a familiar voice softly behind her, turning her head Buffy saw Cordelia offering her a weak smile Buffy was shocked when Cordy's arms wrapped themselves around the Slayers body

"I'm sorry," she said softly pulling back slightly to look her in the face. Buffy's eyes searched Cordelia's silently probing how and what she knew.

"Dawn told me about Spike," a tiny quirk appeared in the corner of the slayers mouth they way Cordy was talking, told Buffy that the brunette had an idea of her feeling towards her vampire. Looking around Buffy let out a yawn

"I'll take you up to the room I got ready for you and Dawn" Cordy said walking towards the stairs glancing around the room again Buffy's eyes locked onto Faiths for a second nodding, indicating towards the stairs with her head Faith nodded letting Buffy know she would take charge. Walking up the stairs Buffy followed her old sort of friend as she let her to her temporary room. Gracing Cordy a smile Buffy walked into her silent sanctuary knowing full well Dawn was still down stairs. Stripping her clothes off until all she wore was her bra and knickers she slipped in between the covers on her bed and once again let sleep claim her.

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A/N: sooooo what do you guys think? I know this chap was reall angst ridden DONT worry it will pick up soon please Review and let me know what you think xx


	3. The Letter

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and added me to their favourites and alerts list, here is Chappie 3 hope you all enjoy it this chapter shows how everyone is coping and reveals the first letter!!

Star

Xx

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Sliding her key to the lock Dawn let herself into the room she and Buffy shared. Glancing over to her sister's bed, she saw Buffy asleep; letting out a soft sigh, Dawn padded over to the bathroom and softly closed the door behind her. Resting her forehead against the door Dawn let her tears fall, these last few weeks had been terrible, Buffy refused to leave the room no matter how much coaching from herself, Giles, Willow, Xander, Angel Cordelia or Faith gave her and she hadn't said a word since the day Sunnydale fell into the crater. At night, Dawn could hear her crying at night when Buffy thought she was asleep and in the times Buffy did sleep, she would wake up screaming Spike's name. Dawn hit the door softly

"You bleached idiot" she said angrily though her voice held no malice as she thought of the vampire and wishing he was here, he would know what to do, though if he was here Buffy wouldn't be like this. Sliding down the door Dawn drew her knees to her chin and let the tears fall freely down her face for both the loss of her best friend and for the shell her sister had become.

~*~

Giles slowly took his glasses of and rested them on top of his pile of old Watcher diaries that rested in front of him rubbing his tired eyes he took a sip of his brandy before he turned his attention back to his new leather diary. Sliding his worn glasses back on Giles picked up his pen and poised it over the crisp cream paper, letting the ink flow he wrote about the destruction of Sunnydale, everything leading up to and during the horrific event. As he sat back and read what he had written, he finished his glass of brandy and poured himself another. The tale was not over and he had already filled around half of the leather bound book, Giles knew the tale he was writing would one day become an unknown legend passed down between watchers and their slayers and amongst the demon community. Taking a shaky breath once again, he wrote, but this time the tale turned sad as he wrote about his broken Slayer and the hollow being she had become.

~*~

As Xander walked, the busy LA streets with Willow the two made idle chit chat both avoiding the one topic they both knew needed to be discussed.

"Xan..." Willow trailed off "what are we gonna do about Buffy?" she asked softly. Looking up at the sky Xander turned his sad brown eyes to his best friend

"There's nothing we can do Will, nothing" he whispered turning his head so the red head couldn't see the tears welling up in his eyes together the two friends started to walk back towards the hotel that had been their home for the past few weeks holding in the tears that threatened to fall from their eyes.

~*~

Hitting the punching bag Faith let out a angry growl, ignoring the young newly created Slayers behind her. Hitting the bag again Faith let out a primal yell, pouring all emotion she had into each swing and kick. Slowly one by one Faith felt everyone leave until she was the only one left in the training room, hitting the bag her thoughts wandered to her new friend, Buffy, the blonde hadn't left her room since Cordelia took her there, the loss of Blondie hit her hard. Taking another swing at the bag Faith stopped mid punch. B was in love with Spike!!! Steadying herself against the stiff bag Faith felt pangs of sympathy rush threw her entire being and a lone tear roll down her cheek.

~*~

Sitting at his desk with his head in his hands Angel let out a loud sigh, Buffy's behaviour was... well he didn't know what exactly. Slowly he pushed his heavy oak chair back and walked from behind his desk. Something had happened at the hell mouth in the final battle though no one knew exactly as Buffy hadn't said a word. Resting his head against the wall Angel let the image of Spike grace his mind for a moment between Giles and Dawn he had gotten a pretty good idea of most of Spike's last minutes who would have thought the Beached wonder of the world would be the one to save it. Letting out a sad sigh Angel allowed himself to do something, he was sure he never would, he mourned the loss of his grand childe.

~*~

As she walked into the large entrance hall Cordelia flipped through the large pile of mail pulling letters for their temporary guests out and slipping them under her arm. Suddenly Cordelia stopped dead in her tracks and all the letters fluttered to the ground except for the one plain envelope in her hand scrawled across the surface in elegant handwriting was two words

_Buffy Summers_

Cordelia let out a little gasp somehow she knew this letter was important, VERY important suddenly Cordy felt the familiar presence of Angel behind her

"What's wrong?" he asked with a shaky hand Cordelia handed Angel the letter he didn't say a word for a while just stared at the envelope

"Spike" he said finally the name made heads whip around to face the two from every corner of the room. Dawn carefully approached Angel and grabbed the letter from his limp hands. One look at the familiar writing had the tears falling from her eyes

"I'm taking this to her" she whispered tilting her chin in a mannerism everyone recognised as screaming Spike. Slowly Dawn walked up the stairs Cordelia, Angel, Faith, Xander and Willow following closely behind Angel nodding to Wesley and Gunn to tell them they were in charge. When Dawn stood outside of her room, her hand hovered over the doorknob taking a deep breath she pushed it open and let herself and the gang in. Sitting on the edge of the bed Dawn winced when she looked at Buffy's pale complexion and dull lifeless eyes, her once bouncing golden hair was mattered and dull against her skull. Holding out the letter Dawn whispered

"For you" when Buffy didn't move to take it Dawn looked over to her extended family her eyes pleading for help clearing her throat Faith stepped forward slightly

"B look at the handwriting" she said her voice a bit thicker than before filled with emotion something not normally associated with the tough brunette. Slowly Buffy's hand reached out and took the letter and let her eyes rest on the familiar handwriting. Quickly sitting up Buffy turned on the lamp before starting to open the letter with trembling hands holding the paper to her nose she inhaled the faint smell of smoke, leather, alcohol, blood and the unique smell of Spike. Unfolding the thick paper Buffy started to read the tears falling silently down her face

~~~~{

_Buffy,_

_I don't know where you are, or when you're exactly reading this, but as you are, I know I didn't make it out. Not that I really expected to pet, magic always comes with bloody consequences... I just – well I'm a selfish bastard I-I __**need**__ to say so many things but the most important is that I'm sorry... for so many things kitten but the biggest is for leaving you but love I didn't leave because I wanted to I left because I __**had**__ to, so that you an' the bit could live. I you told me once that you're not ready for me to not be here, but you'll be fine you're the strongest, braves, most beautiful, kindest woman I know you'll be OK, I promise. Kitten I know you'll never love me, but I know you feel __** something**__ for me you gave me more than my crumb, pet I would give anything to be with you right now, even if only for a moment. Dawn told me that before you jumped you told her 'the hardest thing in this world is to live in it' truer words never spoken love, so please live. Go out, spend the bloody watchers dosh (he keeps an emergency supply hidden behind his library card), and spend it on pretty things ok __**LIVE**__ – you're not going through the motions any more pet!_

_Forever,_

_Spike_

_P.S I love you_

~~~~{

Letting the letter fall from her hands Buffy let his words sink in, she vaguely heard Dawn ask to read the letter and nodded her consent. The last line running over and over threw her head he loved her, sure a part of her knew he did up to hear him say... well to have him write reassured her he still did. Waves of regret rolled threw her body, if only she had told him she loved him sooner. Buffy let her mind think back these last weeks, Spike wouldn't want to see her like this, he told her as much he wanted her to live. Pulling her body out of bed Buffy slowly stood up, for him she would go to the ends of the world if he had asked. His words filling her with the warmth she only ever had with him giving her the strength she needed. Turing to her friends she took in their sad faces, Dawn and Willow had tears rolling down their cheeks, and Buffy gave a sad smile as she softly said

"Hey"

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A/N: soooo what do you all think??? Please review and let me know what you think of this chapter


	4. Going Through The Motions

Hey all here is the latest chapter in P.S I love you I hope that you all enjoy it. A big thanks to everyone who has read this and to everyone who took time to review I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Oh and for those who don't know

SIT = Slayers In Training

Star

Xx

Disclaimer: I own nothing sadly *sigh*

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A few weeks had passed since Buffy had received the letter from Spike, since that day Buffy no longer hid in her memories; she did what Spike had asked of her she lived. She had even taken Spike up on his little shopping trip idea though she had asked to borrow money from Giles rather than take it. Now tt was not unusual to see Buffy around the hotel now and she was there when Giles brought 2 new Slayers to the hotel the gang realised the need to find the girls and teach them to control their strengths.

Buffy threw herself into training the SIT as they were still called showing them the skills she had perfected in her years as the Slayer. There were many who showed some promise though none shone as brightly as Dawn. As Buffy watched the SIT's going through their moves Buffy couldn't help but smile as she watched Dawn move with a gracefulness of her own. Letting out a sigh Buffy wished for the millionth time that Spike was here with her feeling the tears welling up in her eyes Buffy silently walked to the exit door and let herself out into the garden. Unbeknown to her Giles had seen her hasty exit and her watcher sadly shook his head, his Slayer was 'going through the motions' again except this time no one knew how to fix it.

Spikes letter was a god send and Giles thanked the Powers that be for it, but even though she was almost like the old Buffy her eyes were sad they no longer sparkled with life, no this Buffy was not the Slayer they knew.

~*~

Looking around the garden Buffy suddenly felt claustrophobic, embracing the urge to flee she jumped the Hotels wall with ease and ran down the LA streets, she embraced the dull burn in her muscles, relished in the tightness of her chest. She ran until she couldn't go any further she stood atop a cliff edge pointing out towards the ocean, the sun's ray's bounced like diamonds on the surface. Sitting with her feel dangling over the edge and her back against the warm ground Buffy let the memorised words of Spike's letter wash over her again. Imagining not for the first time his rich accented voice laughing as he read the letter before leaning over to kiss her and say what a 'poonce' he was or how much of a poofter did he sound like. Feeling the familiar tightness in her chest Buffy embraced the tears that fell from her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks it was only in moments like this that now she allowed herself to cry for the man she loved.

Not a moment went by that she did not think of him in some way, catching the hint of cigarette smoke on some LA corner or something like that would catch her attention and she would think of a expression he would say. It was hard without him she had nothing of his besides a well-worn letter, a chunky skull ring and a shiny scar on her hand that she knew she would have until the day she died. Even though she would live for Spike like he had asked she couldn't wait until the day they were reunited in the afterlife and how she dreamed of that day...

~*~

For the first time in a long while Faith and Giles sat opposite each other neither sure what to say, clearing her throat Faith's husky voice filled the tiny yet comfortable room Angel had given to Giles

"G, what we gonna do? B's not B ya no?" Faith finished awkwardly

"Quite, Faith I'm not sure there is anything we can do" he said softly removing his glasses and rubbing at his pale eyes Faith's chocolate brown orbs stared at the worn man taking in every detail looking at all the angles before she said what she was about to

"Watcher Man..." she stared her voice was slightly huskier then normal "you – you know B's in love with Spike... Right?" she finished her gaze locking with Giles's neither moved each searching for something in the other's eyes. After a moment Giles looked away

"Well yes, it was rather obvious though I do believe Xander and er Angel do choose to ignore it" he said slowly

"Right" Faith said slumping back into her chair looking back at Giles she softly said

"She misses him" looking at his hands Giles let his shoulders slump a little dejectedly

"And she will for a long time I do believe Faith, a long time" with that said the two sat in a unusually comfortable silence

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A/N: soooo thats chapter 4 what do you think??? Please review xx


	5. Like A Wonderful Dream

Hey, all thank you to all the reviewers I was not sure how you would all take chapter 4 but I am, glad you enjoyed it. Here is chapter 5 I hope this story it still keeping you all entertained this is Spike's Second letter I really hope this is up with every ones expiations. This story is Angst filled their won't be much happiness I am afraid later on maybe but not for a little bit

Star

Xx

Disclaimer: one day I ran into Joss at the supermarket and he said that he would let me have Spike and the rights to Buffy the vampire slayer if I let him cut in front of me in the line =p needless to say I say HELL YES!!!

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Pushing open the heavy wooden door of the hotel Buffy walked in, a fake smile plastered on her face as a small troop of giggling teenaged girls followed behind her the SIT that now remained at the hotel were coming back from a trip at the beach, following the girls came Xander, Willow, Faith, Fred, Cordelia and Gunn. Wesley, Giles, Kennedy and Robin remained at the hotel.

Looking up from his thick book Giles gave a small smile at the antics the group presented, Xander was trying to jump on Gunn's back and Willow and Fred were holding Cordelia and Faith back as the two head strong girls got into another heated debate. Dawn and Vi were whispering to each other and every now and they emitting a small squeal. The other girls watched with bemused looks on their faces. As Giles gaze fell on Buffy the small fatherly smile on his face fell even though the blonde slayer had a smile on her face her eyes betrayed her happy exterior their emerald depths showing the pain she felt. Letting out a sigh Giles took off his glasses and polished them it had been six weeks since the destruction of Sunnydale and Buffy had yet to get her spark back. Shaking his head Giles turned another thick page in the ancient text he hoped his slayer would seek him out to talk.

~*~

Walking up the stairs with Faith and Dawn, as the two-chatted, loudly Buffy let out a little sigh, her eyes were sore from the sun and her skin was itchy from the san and the dried salt on her limbs. Rubbing her eyes with her left hand and felt the smooth skin of her scar sooth her, glancing down a soft smile graced her face only to fall a second later. She couldn't help but think she could have done something different, somehow saved Spike. A memory rose unbidden to Buffy's mind's eye the night of her resurrection while Spike cleaned her hands

"_But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... Every night I save you__"_

Feeling the tears welling in her eyes Buffy sped up the stairs ignoring Faith's call to wait her hands trembling as she pushed the brass key into the key hole opening the door she walked into her room her whole body trembling as she held back the sobs that were desperate to escape. Falling onto her bed Buffy pulled her knees up to her chin she stared out at the tree outside the window, again unbidden images appeared of her old room still filled with childhood innocence. The boy band posters to the lace bed cover and the old tree outside her bedroom window that she used so many times to sneak out the house and that Spike had climbed up and snuck into her room when she was hurting after being torn from heaven. Letting the tears fall from her eyes Buffy closed her eyes she didn't hear Dawn and Faith come in. When she felt the bed shift, she felt a tentave hand rest on her shoulder opening her eyes she saw Dawn sitting on the bed her eyes big and worry filled Faith was kneeling down next to the bed.

"B what's up" Faith asked softly her brown eyes softly probing Buffy's own emerald ones

"It's all my fault" she whispered her eyes focusing on the tree outside

"What is Buffy?" Dawn asked her blue eyes locking on Faith's brown ones

"everything, maybe – maybe if I donesomething different been faster or more clever... Sunnydale might still be there, the girls and Anya might still be alive, and Xander might never have lost his eye and... and" Buffy trailed off as a sob ripped through her throat not even realising she echoed Spike's own words to her

"And what B?" Faith probed softly

"Spike might be alive" she said as the tears fell fast Faith looked over at Dawn and saw the pain on the younger girls face reaching a hand out Faith squeezed Dawn's knee the rising up she sat on the bed and pulled Buffy to her and softly rocked the tiny blond as best she could offering comfort her new friend

~*~

Buffy's sobs had stopped a while ago and now Faith could hear the even breathing on the blonde slayer, gently getting off the bed she pulled Dawn of as well and together the two quietly made their way out of the room closing the door the dark slayer turned to Dawn.

"Poor B blames herself for everything," she said throwing a look over at the door Dawn just nodded

"I wish he was here" she said softly "he would know what to do" Faith didn't need to ask who Dawn was talking about

"Yeah" she said putting an arm around Dawn and the two started to walk down stairs. As Dawn placed her head on, Faith's shoulder the dark Slayer couldn't help but think how much had changed in her life now she had real friends and was part of the Scooby gang and she actually cared about what happened to them. A smile graced her face as she glanced down at Dawn

"Come on Squirt lets go see the Watcher Man yeah?"

~*~

Pushing open the door to Giles study Faith and Dawn walked in, Giles raised an eyebrow as Faith flopped onto the spare armchair and Dawn sat on the edge of the large table

"Yes ladies?" he asked

"G we have a problem" Faith started

"Giles Buffy blames herself for Sunnydale," Dawn blurted out

"What?" Giles yelled

"B thinks she could have done something to stopped the death and destruction in good ol' Sunnyhell, quote _done__ something different been faster or more clever_ un-quote" Giles looked over at Dawn and saw the tears in her eyes

"She blames herself for Spike, its eating her alive" Dawn whispered getting up out of his seat Giles wrapped his arms around the girl he saw as his youngest daughter

"Buffy" Giles whispered staring at the wall as Dawn cried in his arms, after Dawn cried herself to sleep in Giles arm Faith carefully picked the tiny girl up in her arms

"Dunno what it is bout the Summers girls G but they both cried themselves to sleep tonight" she said looking down at Dawn Giles went to say something but when he looked at Faith he saw a soft look in her eyes letting him know she was joking

"Please Faith don't call me by that atrocious name" Faith got a wicked gleam in her eye

"Come on G" she laughed as she walked out the open door "Gonna let the Squirt stay with me B's worn out" she said as she started walking up the stairs

~*~

As the morning sunlight streamed into her room Buffy opened her eyes wincing as her body groaned in protest as she moved to get up. Glancing around showed Buffy Dawn wasn't there heading to the bathroom and quickly stripping Buffy hopped under the hot spray of the shower and stayed until the water was icy cold. Drying off and getting dressed Buffy just sat and stared out the window the events of last night returning full force, she couldn't help but feel a little better after confessing to Dawn and Faith but at the same time she hated that she showed she was weak taking a deep breath Buffy walked to the door taking one last glance at the tree she closed the door behind her with a soft click. Walking down the stairs Buffy saw that there was no one in the main hall and the hotel was oddly quiet a frown appeared on her face as she quietly stalked over to Giles office, pushing the door open she saw no one was it there. She did the same to Wesley's and Angel's office to come up with the same result finally Buffy headed towards the kitchen pressing her ear against the door she could hear low murmurings. Pushing open the door she saw Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith, Dawn, Angel, Wesley, Cordelia, Fred and Gunn sitting around the large oak table. Dawn smiled when she saw Buffy

"Hey" she said Buffy just nodded looking around she saw the girls were nowhere in sight

"Where are the others?" she asked Angel turned in his chair to face her

"We sent them out for the day," his deep voice echoed in the kitchen looking at everyone Buffy said

"Why?" the group all shared a uneasy look no one sure how to answer with a soft sigh Willow got out of her chair and walked over to Buffy pulling on her friends hand softly Willow gently pushed Buffy to sit in her chair

"Because..." Willow started picking something up off the table "We got this today" she said softly as she passed the white envelope to Buffy. With a shaky hand she reached out and took it, one glance at the familiar writing told her who it was from Spike. Opening the white envelope with

_Buffy Summers _

Written on the front she pulled out the crisp paper her hands trembling as the familiar scent of Spike once again filled her nose using both hands she carefully opened the letter both frightened and desperate to read what Spike had written.

~*~

_Buffy,_

_Well pet I hope that this letter has reached you all right, hope that you, the bit are ok. What can I say love, 'scept you gotta stop bloody blaming yourself for everything I know you and I know how your mind works in that pretty blonde head of yours. What happened in good ol' Sunnyhell was never your fault OK. Pet y__ou're too bloody worried about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. Make the most of it ok. The fate of the world doesn't rest on your shoulders any more kitten... you know y__ou saw the man I can be Buffy, you believed in me. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything (again), just one thing kitten then PLEASE promise me that whenever you're sad, or - or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. See how beautiful you are, how strong you can be, see the spark that I saw, you are a golden goddess love. What we had pet was like __shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, perfect. Sweetling y__ou know that place between being sleep and awake, it's the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's what every moment with you was like, like a wonderful dream pet._

_Forever _

_Spike_

_P.S I love you!_

~*~

As she finished reading, the letter Buffy felt the tears welling up in her eyes but she would not let them fall this time, her tears were private. Reading the letter again she let out a laugh Spike always knew what was going on in her head, he knew her better then she knew herself. Letting his words wash over her she closed her eyes and remembered the way he would look at her as if she was the most precious thing in the world and the way he said her name was pure worship. Opening her eyes she saw the concerned faces of her friends giving them a soft smile she ran the pads of her fingers over the edges of the letter drawing strength from the love Spike had poured onto the paper letting it fill her with warmth. Before she passed it around for the rest of the gang to read looking at her friends she saw Dawn, Willow and Fred's eyes filling with tears at the romantic words once the letter was passed back to her she read the last few lines again and whispered

"Like a wonderful dream" as she folded the letter back up and carefully placed it back in its envelope. With the first genuine smile on her face in a long time Buffy stood up and started to make herself some breakfast and the gang couldn't help but think that she would be OK... for now at least.

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A/N: sooooo what do you all think of chapter 5? Please read and review xx


	6. A Grandsire's sorrow

Heyyy all I am sorry this chapter is so long in the making... I have been suffering writers block so I hope this chapter is up to scratch you guys know the drill please read and review it is feedback that keeps the muse alive haha this chap is a little ANGEL memory focused tell me what you think please

Star

Xx

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as Buffy finally finished her breakfast she chose to ignore the looks her friends were giving her, pushing everything but the new arrival of the letter into the darkest corners of her mind. Rinsing her plate she wiped her hands and took the letter and left the large and unusually quiet kitchen.

As the large swinging door moved backwards and forwards on its hinges all remained quiet as if not to break the tranquil spell that washed over the room with the smile of Buffy's face.

"That went... well" said Willow softly snapping everyone out of their own worlds

"Yeah it's like having the old Buffy back" said Dawn a wistful smile on her face

"But the real question is what are we going to do" Cordelia said softly her eyes heavy with sorrow

"What do you mean Barbie?" snapped Faith "B's on a one way trip to happy land at the moment" Cordelia let out a soft sigh, tried to gather her thoughts, and finally opened her mouth when Fred cut her off

"I-I think Cordy m-means what are w-we going to do when t-the letters stop" her Texan accent softened more the usual as she spoke the words no one wanted to hear Giles swiftly removed his glasses and started to clean them then to every ones amusement Wesley did the same thing

"I do feel that we should cross that bridge when we come to it," Wesley started "it would seem that there will be at least ONE more letter possibly more who knows..." he trailed off heads nodded once again the room swan dived into silence. Pushing back his chair Angel stood up and walked out of the white room, the silence was killing him he had, had enough of that during the EXTREAMLY early broody years of his curse. Silence left to much room to think, and it was in the quiet times he knew all too well that your past, present and yes even future demons came out to play. Tormenting the soul with what ifs and if only's. Glancing up at the large stair case Angel found for the first time it seemed to go on forever, slowly he started to climb the plush carpeted stairs all the while trying to push all though from his mind though it was a hopeless attempt. The images of a brown floppy haired boy and a slicked back bleach blonde kept appearing, superimposing over one another until the old and new memories of his grandchilde clashing as if to remind him of whom Spike really was.

Angel now knew the demon Spike showed was only a act, a image to make his Sire and family proud. Angel shuddered as he was bombarded by memories of Angelus 'teaching' William how to be a 'proper' member of the family the sounds of his screams echoed in his mind. As he hung his head Angel knew he was the one responsible for the demon. But it was William responsible for the man. How he had been able to hang onto his humanity after his turning he would never know but that part Angelus, Darla and Dru attempted to push to the side and allow his demon to take control though it seemed to only allow a harden protective exterior to form keeping the softer side hidden until it was needed.

Feeling something wet on his face Angel swiped at it stunned to have the scent of tears reach his sensitive nose. Never in his 200+ years had he cried over family not even as he ripped out his birth mother and sisters throats after he had risen. Sure tears were shed after the curse hit him but only for the monumental guilt at the century's of killing hit him at once. Coming to a halt he realised where he was standing, the front of Buffy's door raising a shaky hand he knocked and waited after a few moments she answered stepping aside she let Angel in sitting down on the plush couch his eyes never left her as she walked around the room. Taking in the almost unnoticeable shake in her step, the dark rings under her eyes, the quiver in her muscles he got up and rested a large hand on her shoulder.

Leading her over to the couch he gently pushed her to sit, looking at her pixie face a soft sigh passed his lips

"You need to sleep" he said softly his eyes probing hers to tell him her secrets, though like always he never could tell what his onetime love was thinking.

"I-I sleep" she said quickly too quickly for his liking

"Yeah, well your body tells me otherwise buff, your exhausted"

"No, no I'm fine" she said standing up and started picking things up and cleaning up the room anything the avoid the probing question after a few moments Angel turned to leave it was clear Buffy didn't want to talk but as his hand hovered over the doorknob he asked one last question

"Why?" he sensed Buffy stop in her tracks, heard her take in a shaky breath

"Because, then I can't dream" she said softly her voice thickened with emotion Angel closed his eyes and rested his forehead against to smooth panel of wood

"You dream about him don't you" he asked softly turning to face the tiny slip of a girl taking in her form Angel was shocked at how much weight she had lost

"Yes" she whispered as her tears started to fall he watched as Buffy wrapped her arms around herself "every time I close my eyes he's there" as he moved closer Angel's soul cried along with the Slayer wrapping his large arms around her in a brotherly way the two of them cried Buffy for the loss of her lover and Angel for the pain Buffy was going through and he shed a few tears for the loss of his Grandchilde.

The pair stayed that way for a while Angel tears long dried before Buffy's finally slowed,

"It'll get better" he said softly wiping her damp face

"I'll always miss him" she said sadly

"You always miss those you lose," he said carefully choosing his words he wasn't blind it was clear something had happened between the pair of blondes "come downstairs it doesn't help..."

"What doesn't?" she asked

"Silence, that's when your demons get you" he said softly taking Buffy's hand and pulled her to the door Buffy smiled sadly and let Angel lead her down the stairs...

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A/N: soooo what do you all think??? I hope you liked it please review and let me know xx


	7. Breaking The Silence

Hey all well here is chapter 7 of P.S I love you I hope that you all enjoy you all know what to do read and review let me know how you feel about it this chap is a lil Buffy – dawn bonding

Star

Xx

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Though Buffy could feel Angel's gentle pulling on her arm leading her down the grand staircase but her mind was a million miles away, memories dancing across her eyes blurring the lines of reality with the world she wished she were in. Her body quivered slightly exhaustion was starting to take over, each day it was harder and harder to keep her eyes open.

Feeling the floor even out beneath her Buffy's eyes snapped up wrapping her arms around herself she gently tugged on a lock of her hair. Walking over to the large plush arm chair Buffy pulled her legs up and tucked them under her as she laid her head on the soft cushion letting the chatter and sounds in the room sooth her, Angel's words echoed in her mind _'__Silence, that's when your demons get you' _a gentle smile crept onto her face he was right surrounded by sound kept the demons away a little.

Looked around a small laugh escaped her lips as she saw Dawn awkwardly holding the pool cue and she tried to line up for a shot. Buffy watched as a warm blush rose in Dawn's cheeks when she missed the shot. It wasn't that long ago she herself was a fumbling player. The memory of Spike teaching her pool came to her inner eye the feel of him moulding his body to hers as he helped to line up a shot, the feel of his cool unnecessary breaths against her neck as he pulled her arm back slowly. His rich accented voice whispering into her ear suddenly Buffy heard her name being called snapping out of her memory she felt a hot flush run through her body.

Feeling the hot sting of her blush Buffy looked up dressed in tight leather Faith knelt down a bit

"B playin space cadet again?" she laughed "Me and Queen C and some of these other losers here are headin' out to hit the town wanna come with?" she asked winking slightly. Flicking her eyes over to Dawn again Buffy shook her head

"Maybe 'nother time F" she teased slightly mimicking the brunettes street talk Faith nodded a pleased smile spared across her face as she watch the blonde swagger over to the pool table

'maybe' she mused 'B's gonna be OK' she though as she turned and called out for Cordelia to hurry up closely following them was Willow, Xander, Fred, Angel, Wesley and Gunn it was play time.

Sliding up to the pool table Buffy picked up the spare cue

"Mind if I join" Dawn looked up a lopsided grin on her face

"'kay not very good though" she laughed leaning down to take aim again heavily grazing the green felt as she did so causing Buffy to wince slightly she knew firsthand how much those cost to re-felt! Gathering up the balls Buffy set the table and forced a chirpy voice

'Channel your inner Xander buff' she thought

"Now grasshopper time to teach you the ancient art of pool" she smiled as Dawn's light laugh walking behind her sister Buffy positioned Dawn right

"Now shoot Dawnie" taking aim Dawn pulled back the cue and hit the white ball which hit the solid purple ball

"YAY" squealed Dawn excitedly "I hit it I hit it did you see?" laughing Buffy leaned over the table took aim and hit the stripped yellow ball into the right corner pocket before lining up the stripped green ball and pocketing that to

"Wow, where did you learn to play" Dawn asked tilting her head in a 'spike-ism' a flash of white hot pain ran over her heart at the innocent look

"Spike" she said softly training her eyes onto the stripped red ball before hitting it with the cue. Dawn opened her mouth as if to say something before closing it just as quickly. A sad smile crossed Buffy's face as she straightened up and moved to push the hair away from Dawn's face, staring into her sisters big blue eyes she let her mind drift back to Spike again as she so often did letting the warmth of his love for not only her but her sister and mother when she was alive. Again Angel's words whispered from the dark corners of her memory

'_Silence, that's when your demons get you'_

"It's ok to miss him" she whispered moving closer to her sister the only other living human that HE had love as much as her tucking Dawn's long brown locks behind her ears

"He loved you" she said so softly Dawn strained to hear it as Buffy's sad green eyes stared into hers, automatically Dawn replied

"He loved you more" looking at her sisters face Dawn's lips curved a little at the faint blush on Buffy's cheeks

"No he loved you like the little sister he lost, he told me once he thought of you like a sister" Buffy said softly playing with a silver chain on her neck Dawn noticed a silver ring hanging off the bottom chain and made a mental note to ask about it later. Dawn watched as Buffy rested her pool lcue back in its proper place a sad smile on her face as she walked towards the door leading to the training room carefully wording her question Dawn tentavily asked

"He was your partner? Lover? Friend?" Buffy smiled softly her hand resting on the door knob

"All that and more Dawnie all that and more"

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A/N well I hope this meets the standards this was a hard chapter to write as I had a few request to do some dawn/Buffy bonding hope this satisfy's you all please review =)


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